Family should respect seniors

Q I am a 46-year-old man born into a large family of uncles and aunts. They were very close and we children had to show respect, but also knew we were loved by all. The older ones have died, including both my parents. Now there's only one uncle left, 81, considered the patriarch. He'd been living alone since his wife died.

He was lost and we were all relieved when his son insisted that he live with him and his wife. Their children are grown and they have a large home, so there was plenty of space.

When any of the family visited my uncle, we always brought his favourite dishes, but also cake, fruit and wine for his son and wife. I was naturally upset when I heard that my cousin's wife insisted my uncle live elsewhere. When “seniors' home” was mentioned, most of us were shocked.

How could a man who influenced us all regarding our values and family bonds be parcelled out to live with strangers when there was space and money to keep him among his immediate relatives?

I've been told that my cousin's wife insisted on either choosing an institutional “home” or that some other relatives take him. Eventually, a different married son and his married sister (both in their late 50s) agreed to share the care and keeping of their father. It's working out so far.

But I can't forgive my cousin's wife or her husband who claims she badgered him so much, he had to agree that his father move. How can families better prepare for the changing needs of their elderly parents? Disgusted

A It's a thoughtful question that not enough people explore or discuss ahead.

Most seniors will insist that they want to stay in their own homes.

But when they're older, frail and living alone, they certainly need some support whether from family or another arrangement.

Most importantly is the need for open discussion between the elder and relatives. Even if family finances are limited, regular visits and checking up on a housebound person's health and available food is still a necessity.

But when resources are greater and there are people waiting to learn what's in a family member's will, those same people have a moral duty.

They must help that person live with comforts, visits, attention to their health and social needs, including them in conversations and accompanying them to medical appointments.

Reader: Regarding people who are always late. People who are repeatedly 10 to 20 minutes late for appointments may have difficulty organizing themselves. Or don't grasp how annoying their “loose” approach to time is to others.

But being hours or even a day late is controlling and not-sopassive aggression.

I suspect that one reader's seemingly enlightened understanding of such behaviour is really just masking her fear of confrontation.

Another reader's feedback had it right: You don't let people repeatedly disrespect your time. They can be given the benefit of the doubt a few times. But by the third time — if you've clearly stated a firm time, and there's been no message during the wait period to explain a failure to appear — people have every right (and the obligation to their more considerate guests) to carry on with their plans.